Hello, my name is Simone Asam and I was diagnosed with primary lymphedema in both legs in 2013. I've been single for three years and now I'm looking for happiness in love again. In my last relationship, my illness and compression were more and more a difficult topic, but I assumed that there would surely be enough men out there who would have no problem with compression. Unfortunately, in the last two years, on dating portals or in direct contact, I have had very few positive experiences with it. I want a partner who loves me for who I am, just as I would with him. Regardless of whether fat, whether small, whether large, whether thin, with or without chronic illness / limitation, etc.
Don't panic, it's just compression!
So I thought about addressing the topic early on in order to soon "separate the wheat from the chaff" and let it flow in when there were more intensive contacts. Sometimes it came up anyway, especially when I sent pictures (in midsummer) of myself in black “tights”. Although previously showered with compliments from the men I wrote with, I was blocked, deleted, or no longer responding as a result. Felt the staring glances on my legs (until now I always wore pants, leggings or tights over the compression anyway) when it came to a meeting.
I once arranged to meet someone on the phone (just before the lymphedema was discussed). Strangely, for the most inexplicable reasons, the technology failed (with him), but then he didn't answer.
I don't remember how often I read or heard that it was “no problem” and that I was “still such a beautiful woman” and, in retrospect, never came back from the person.
Is it because of the other?
I know that I'm not the only one who feels this way from reading in forums on the subject of compression and lymphedema and from talking to other sufferers. I also asked male acquaintances and friends for their advice to teach my dates the subject "gently". I was advised to sell them - on nights together - as "suspenders" or part of a "nurse's costume" (I still find the latter idea quite funny) and then to explain to them that they are medical compression stockings and why I wear them.
Is it because of me?
I guess I sound very bitter and you guess I just met the wrong men. Quite possible ... But I'm already thinking about why a part of the male world has such a problem with it. Of course, I also asked myself whether it was simply up to me. My personality, my demeanor? Am I visiting the wrong type of dating portal? Is it just the "incapable of relationships" generation? Did I bring up the subject of compression / lymphedema too quickly?
Hide or deal with it confidently?
Until recently, I was still very unsure about how to confidently wear and accept the compression and I'm still working on it, but should I hide it right away and hope that the partner or date doesn't notice it? Don't recognize them as medical compression stockings? It's not just the stockings! Should I claim that I have migraines or my period if I don't look quite happy, relaxed, or in a bad mood on a painful day? That I don't go to the lymphatic drainage at least once a week, but to the university, to the vet, to work, etc. for the hundredth time. Should I explain to "him" that there may or will be possible restrictions, spa stays, etc.? And so on? Nein!
Compression dating - it takes self-confidence ...
We already have enough to do with our edema, with all the negative aspects and experiences. I don't think dating (which in itself is nerve-wracking) and love should be negatively affected by something as succinct as compression. And also that you should therefore feel less desirable or less beautiful!
And let's be honest ... As if the men who have such a problem with our helping compression (and are usually not models themselves) have no "little problems"?
Maybe you have really bad acne, bad breath or even a chronic illness? Can't handle it and take out your uncertainty on others? I can take off my compression and what do they do with their character?
... and self-acceptance!
But I've also heard and read a lot of positive reports (such as on this blog). Many say that their partners deal with it positively or do not really notice the disease and the compression. A lady who was also affected also told me (thanks again for that!) That I might not be able to accept myself adequately with the lymphedema and compression and that is why I would have had so many negative experiences. The charisma is what counts. The way you see and accept yourself, your compression, the illness. Your environment reacts to this, attracting the "good" kind of man. A natural and uncomplicated way of dealing with the subject of compression and lymphedema.
Admittedly, my toe caps aren't beautiful, but they pretty much belong with me for the rest of my life, so so what?
Hope dies last!
So I just keep dating, gain experience as a single in compression and work on my self-love and self-acceptance. And at some point “the right one” will come who accepts compression and lymphedema as part of me. And if not …
Yes my, as the Bavarian says so beautifully!
Many thanks to Caroline and the Lipedema-Mode team for sharing my experiences and thoughts!
You are doing an amazing job and you contribute so much to this community! From the heart: Thank you!
Best regards,
Simone
Hi. My name is Andi. Although I don't have lipoedema, I have varices and varicose veins with a slight tendency to thrombosis. So as a man I also wear compression stockings and, like now in winter, pantyhose. I was also not spared further suffering. It doesn't matter to me and I use what medical technology has to offer. I am bound and therefore no longer free. But I want to encourage you to keep doing your thing. Show your leg. I think it doesn't give a shit. Because at some point your Prince Charming will come who doesn't care about the outside like me, only the inner values count. You don't look that bad in your colored compressions.
Hi, I personally don't think that the problem is your lipedema, but that it is addressed directly. Many cannot assess this, are overwhelmed and prefer to turn away before dealing with it. It's easier if you don't really know someone yet.
Imagine that you meet a guy, you get along well, then he tells you that he has Crohn's disease, has a schizophrenic phase, is borderliner, multiple sclerosis or something similar. With illnesses you know, it's easier to gauge what that means. But with you strange diseases? Maybe you google, find really stupid testimonials and ask yourself, ultimately, whether you want to get to know someone sick right away. Sounds nasty, but isn't it ultimately like that? But if you have already met with them a few times and found that it can fit really well…. And then he tells you that he has this or that illness, then you see everything very differently. Because you have come to know and appreciate the person as a real person, not just as a fictional person from the Internet who is sick. Then it is easier for you to say: hey, what does this illness mean and do I think the other person is great enough to have them as a partner too?
So I would say don't fall in the house. Nobody else introduces themselves with: "Hello, I'm Matilda, 37 and have lipedema, depression, diabetes and sometimes mood swings." Of course your illness belongs to you, but it is not YOU. You are your character, your humor, your nature, and that is primarily important when you get to know someone.
Oh yes, and if you meet them and they ask, then of course tell the truth.
Kind regards, Nina
Hello Simone,
I have lip lymph edema and at some point the topic was included in my current boyfriend's conversation (even before we got together). He has no problem with it. I think because I don't have one either. My stockings belong to me and if they don't fit, please leave. Don't think the stockings are bad either. I'm more annoyed by the lymphatic drainage, which rob me of my time * bäääh *. Then I complain to him and he just keeps saying: dialysis is worse and it's almost ok again. I wouldn't make it directly on the subject either. Dress as you like and don't give the stockings or the edema so much space. Don't worry so much about what others may think. I think if you don't mind and you handle it casually, you will find someone who doesn't mind either. And I don't have the problem with stockings, but rather when I take them off. * Laugh *. And don't worry whether it was you or him. The right one is coming !! I was only allowed to turn 40 over this. * laugh *
Lg
Bommel
Hello Simone,
You have already received some answers. I see it this way: If the man suddenly criticizes the compression stockings in a long-standing partnership, this is a convenient excuse for him to end them. There are so many other causes, but hardly anyone wants to find the time to deal with them today.
Now to my own experiences: I am a man and have been wearing compression stockings and tights for 29 years. I have also had three leg vein thromboses (two on the left, one on the right) due to a congenital bleeding disorder. In 2000, I decided not to hide my compression items under long trousers in summer, but to wear them with shorts.
I too tried my luck once with acquaintance advertisements, again without success. Many women are not “knitted differently” than men. Even if the women searching had mentioned a disability in the ad, there was no response to my letter stating that I had to wear compression stockings.
I got to know my wife through my hobby, hiking. Some time later, on our “first time”, she went on vacation to the North Sea and, due to my studies, I didn't have too far to work on my thesis. It was scorching hot with over 30 degrees and I drove more than 200 kilometers to her pension in the afternoon. I could have been wringed out with thick jeans over my compression tights. When I arrived, the first thing I wanted was a long, deep shower. And now comes something that I found so beautiful and since then I knew exactly that she was "the right one". While I was showering for over 20 minutes, she washed off my totally sweaty wet tights and hung them up to dry!
By the way, my wife is about four inches taller than me. A friend who also knows me once said to her: "A man who is shorter would be out of the question for me as a partner." Well, ladies, there are prejudices among you too!
When “the right one” or in your case “the right one” comes, you will know. Just be yourself and don't hide your compression tights, there is no need to! In “my” city Bamberg last summer I also saw a young woman on a bike with black compression tights.
In my old blog, which is aimed at vein patients, I keep trying to encourage others to wear their compression articles in an openly visible manner.
http://lebenmks.blogspot.com/
I think, like you, to find men who, as in my case, are not deterred by being overweight, and that is really still within limits, is difficult enough if I would come with a compromise, who knows.
Have often heard how beautiful my eyes are and how great you can write, talk and laugh with me, but ......
I told the last date that I was also thinking more about hair on my head and a sporty figure ...
I often ask myself why everything seems to be ok with men and why women should ideally still correspond to the ideal.
I would also prefer to go on a date in a short skirt and high heels, but look like the shoes could collapse under me ... and even if it was difficult to accept that, there are also great clothes for more weight and with compr.
The men to whom the human being is more important than the stockings that are worn are also safe somewhere.
I also continue to date, although it is often very difficult for me and, unlike in the past, I am not so positive about it, but if I give up I still miss the right one!
I've found a way, a way that suits me and has brought me straight with myself. I used to always want to be enough and perfect for him.....spent endless amounts of time just looking great and starving myself, doing 15 hours of exercise a week just so he thinks I'm great and doesn't break the relationship. The fact is: I was never good enough for him or other guys and meanwhile I don't feel like making myself pretty for something like a man ONLY to please HIM....now I have both feet firmly planted in life, I live alone and have a great job in the operating theater of a large university clinic. I now find men too exhausting and space-demanding, it has become annoying to always be the girlfriend who is only great when she rips her ass off for him….I haven’t felt the need for a man to be near me all the time and every night for a long time because I much prefer to be left alone and have found that relationships used to make me much unhappier. I find my life perfect, without annoying appendages that have to be taken care of. I don't have to do shit, I just have to do justice to myself and that's infinitely good for me!