Anyone who has once more on their hips than they would like and has thus waived a few years of their life, probably knows these strange thoughts ...
Anyone who walks into the room will probably see me first - the fat.
Party night with the girls. All top styled, slim and slim - only I am the fat in chucks.
Sports at school? I was always elected last.
To go shopping? Great, I can't find anything if we only go to stores up to size 42.
Ride rollercoaster. I have to go to the XXL seat? Well, thank you. (So happened! Silverstar, Europapark)
Finally go to the lake. But then everyone will see me half-naked - oh god!
I could formulate page by page what worries I made as an overweight person when I was faced with avoidable everyday situations. I told myself that if I lose weight, I can let go of these worries. Finally be relaxed, enjoy life!
The fat man thought wrong
And now I run through the fields with over 30 kg less. I have achieved so much, burned tens of thousands of calories, rejected them and pinched them, just felt the sweat running for hours with a red head. 7000 kcal per kilogram of fat lost. Done everything for years, let myself sag, got up again, carried on. To sit here today and realize that I'm still fat. And I'm not talking about the almost 13 kg that still separate me from normal weight, but about my head. Nothing has happened in six years of acceptance history.
Does my body feeling have a reset button?
Every cell in our body is completely renewed after seven years, but cell renewal makes a huge detour around my brain. Why can't I let go of this distorted self-image and celebrate my new self every day, hugging myself and praising myself for the discipline that made this possible. Why is the fat remained? With the dwindling weight, everything should actually feel lighter.
I want peace
And sometimes I catch myself with these thoughts and shake my head in horror. It can't be the feeling I've fought so hard for for so long. Indulging in lipedema and not abandoning the dream of normal weight was one thing. I want peace. Peace with my body, with the way I look. Put an end to this pointless struggle that only draws energy. Life is too short to be at war with yourself. I am no longer the fat, rather the strong one, the one who stays with it. I'm almost there - my goal is in sight.
And it took me years to come to this conclusion. I learned to listen to my fellow human beings and to believe them that I have changed. And most of all that I never the fat was, but always ich.
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