Most beautiful summer weather. At work everyone raves about how much they would rather be at the lake and let the sun roast them. Sun, 29 ° C - The mere thought of going into the sun almost burns my skin, because my skin is more sensitive since I've been wearing the compression every day and I get sunburn even faster. And yet, you're right, actually the weather is great.
But the amount of work, the emergencies and the resulting short-term chaos make these thoughts fly away immediately. Everyone is happy when it's finally over. We are happy to have partially saved a life again and to have made life easier for cancer patients with the blood we have processed. We only think very briefly about these individual fates. So life is. For me it goes straight to the lymphatic drainage.
During the hour I chat with my therapist, we laugh at the stories and the gossip we share. I feel good and after this day at work there is hardly anything better. I've also forgotten my dull headache, which has plagued me since work. On the way to the bus I read the message from my husband that he is going to the beer garden with his colleagues and that they want to go to a few bars afterwards. I wish you a lot of fun and get on the bus.
The door closes behind me ...
... and then it breaks down on me.
The headache is quite severe and the feeling of falling inside is uncomfortable. I only perceive my surroundings to be dull, as if I were wrapped in cotton wool. I put my headphones on my ears. Music on - world off. The exhilaration from just now has suddenly disappeared. I long for my home, my shelter. But I have long been closed in on myself. I want to get out of here! Get out of this situation, this moment. When I enter the apartment, I peel off my personal protective cover, take off the headphones, take a deep breath and try to relax.
I tear off my arm compression and look in the refrigerator. I discover a cold beer, put a butt in the corner of my mouth and go out onto the terrace. The sun has disappeared behind the big tree. I put my feet up and open my beer and comfortably light my cigarette. After work, with the first train I break completely out of the depression.
I look around, discover new ripe tomatoes, even a last strawberry and am happy. Wonderful, such an after-work beer.
This picture was taken in precisely this situation.
I can understand your story and feelings 100%. Unfortunately I can no longer really switch off and feel trapped in this world. There are days when I despair and don't know what to do next. I always try to distract myself and seek conversation. Sometimes it works, but often it doesn't. Despite everything, I try to make the best of it. Thank you for your frank words, which show that you are not alone.
Kind regards, Luisa